Tip #1: Use your child’s words to describe the problem

Many children know there is a problem, even long before we do. However, they may not use our same words to describe what is difficult, which can lead to disagreement about what the actual problem is. Here are some examples of adult and child perspectives:

Adult view of the problem	Child’s view of the problem
My child is failing his math tests because he doesn’t understand it.	My math teacher doesn’t like me.
My child won’t do her homework and procrastinates until the last minute.	My parents are always nagging me!
My child is impulsive and shouts out in class.	My teacher is always getting me in trouble for no reason.
My child needs more time than others.	I hate school. It’s too hard.

You have decided to have an assessment to help solve a problem. Your child will be invested in the process if we can identify that problem they wish to solve as well. By using their words, we let

them know that we understand where they are coming from, and that this assessment is truly to help them.

Here are some examples of how you might introduce the idea of an assessment using your child’s view:

I’ve noticed that you really don’t like your math teacher this year. I’d like to see if we could figure out why it’s been so hard.

I’ve noticed that we are in a bad nagging cycle around homework. I know you don’t like it and I don’t like it either. I wonder if there’s a way we can break out of it.

I’ve noticed you’re getting in trouble a lot this year and it doesn’t seem to make sense. I wonder if there’s a way we can figure it out together.

I heard you say that you hate school, and I can totally see why! Let’s see if there’s a way to change that.

Tip #2: Talk over ice cream

When children find out they have to go to the doctor, a common thought is, “what’s wrong with me?!” Some children may also worry that they are in trouble or they have done something wrong. It is very important that they know this is not the case.

For this reason, I recommend talking to your child in a place where it is obvious that there is nothing wrong and they are not in trouble. Having a bowl of ice cream, taking the dog for a walk, or playing catch are all good ways to have a conversation without it feeling too “serious”.

Tip #3: Let them know it’s not mandatory

Paradoxically, making sure your child knows you will not force them often makes them more likely to participate. There may be many reasons why your child is resistant to testing, and it may take a while to uncover and address them all. When students are resistant, I always make sure they know that I will not test them without their permission: it is impossible to get an accurate assessment of a child who is not committed to giving their best during the assessment.

Knowing it’s not mandatory allows us all to relax, and gives space for the child to voice their concerns, and permits you and I to address their worries directly. This helps build our relationship and find a problem that they are interested in solving. At that point, we are all ready to start the assessment.

It may sound like this:

It makes sense that you do not want to do the testing. I can imagine I would be skeptical as well! I will respect your decision if you decide you really do not want to do it. At the same time, I want to make sure you have all the information before you make your final decision. Would you be willing to come check it out with me?

Now I have a chance to speak with your child and find our common ground. It’s there – we just have to do a little digging to find it!

Final Words

Your child may have many questions about the process that you don’t know how to answer. That’s great news – if your child comes in with questions, it will help them get curious about the process and give us a great starting point as we begin working together. If you’re not sure, just say:

That’s a great question! I’m not sure. Let’s write it down and ask Dr. Banda.

(Credit to Dr. Liz Angoff for the content. © 2020)